Out the kitchen window, the sky slowly awakens. From darkness to soft pinks to bright blues. I love watching the sunrise. Every morning a new painting.  
 
Days begin early for me, and that is by design. The fullness of my schedule is heavy, but rising before the sun, I have an hour for me. Starting the morning this way helps me navigate the rest of the day. But it's not always enough. Life can be a bit much at times. The schedule too full, the demands too great, the news too depressing, and time moving too fast. . . 

So this morning, in darkness, I light a candle. Sitting quiet, I breathe in deeply, exhale slowly. Then I listen. The beautiful words of Psalm 23 fill the room . . . 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.

I meditate on this. What a peaceful picture that is painted - green pastures, quiet waters. Images of a flower-filled meadow and a nearby stream come to mind. I feel the stress begin to melt away. 

The words so calming, I listen to the entire Psalm three times. Yes, this refreshes my soul.  

It’s the lenten season and I know this rhythm well. The familiar songs sung from grateful hearts, the cross-focused words draw thought and at times tears. But Sundays in lent hold a lighter tone - islands of refreshment as someone coined them. That’s what this moment is. An island of much needed refreshment. 

Many of you are walking through a valley right now - losing a loved one, carrying for aging parents, weathering a storm of illness. Remember, you don’t walk it alone. Our Good Shepherd walks beside us, guiding us along right paths, and refreshing our souls. Some find refreshment in traveling to an actual island, escaping the stresses of life for awhile. But these few moments of quiet meditation can refresh the soul. 

It’s the end of the psalm that puts life back into perspective . . . 

You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Instead of stressed, I feel blessed. My life overflows with blessings and the hope of heaven is best of all. 

This soul refreshment is more urgent and more important than anything else on my schedule. When life overwhelms, I hope you’ll make time for yourself - to find refreshment. If you’d like to practice a little meditation like I did, all you need is a quiet room, a candle, and a heart ready to be still. You can listen to Psalm 23 here. 

Praying for you, friend. ​

"When can I have my life back?"

It's 5 am on a cold Sunday morning in March,  and I find myself flat on my back on the driveway. 
There are a few events that led me to this position and to this question:
- A few weeks ago, our youngest son who is 24, arrived at the shoppe with a German Shepherd puppy, happy as I've ever seen him. 
- The next day, I heard myself saying, Yes, as he asked if the puppy could stay with us for awhile. He hadn't exactly thought things through and needed time to figure things out. 
- I've forgotten how demanding and exhausting the training of a puppy can be, and how small their bladders are. So when she whines at 5 am, I hit auto pilot: shoes on, coat on, leash on, out the door. It must be urgent as she darts out like a bullet. In an instant I'm flat on my back on the driveway which is a sheet of ice. My head hits the cement pretty hard. 

Bewildered, I first think of the leash. Still in hand. Thank God. 
I feel the back of my head with my other hand and look for blood. None. Thank God again. 
I lay there for a moment staring at the dark sky, puppy licking my face. 
​When can I have my life back?

A few days later, I listened to a podcast by Emily P Freeman. She talks about life's interruptions and how to find peace in handling them. 
Tears fall fast. It feels good to cry. 
This puppy is definitely an interruption to my quiet, daily routines, but I know its more than the puppy that's triggering these tears. There's a bigger life change that is emotionally exhausting and difficult to accept as my new reality. 

When can I have my life back? When can there be time for me and my needs? 
​Have you ever found yourself asking that question? 
If we think about it, our life is made up of interruptions. They look different as we move through our stages of life: 
the demands of our children, the needs of a sick loved one, caring for our aging parents. . . Others before ourselves - isn't that what we are called to do -  live a life of service? Yes, but when the interruptions are not ones that we chose, not what we had planned, and are forced upon us - those are the ones that can lead to this question: When can I have my life back? Maybe we are the ones who are ill and find our life looking so different than what we had planned. As hard as it is to understand, even those are given to us for a purpose. 

CS Lewis writes: “The great thing if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s own or real life. The truth is of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life, the life God is sending one day by day.” 

Those last words "the life God is sending one day by day" - oh how I need to be reminded of this. It's like manna that God sent the Israelites. That daily bread from heaven nourished and sustained them while they wandered in the desert, but they quickly grew tired of it, and began to complain. Manna means 'What is this?' If I'm honest with myself, when I ask the question 'When can I have my life back?' I'm really saying, 'What is this? I'm tired of what you are giving, God." The truth is that He gives us what we need, not what we want, and it's always for our good. Always. 

So then give me the strength and patience every day so I can handle this life of manna. And he does. 

The French composer, Claude Debussy wisely said, "Music is the space between the notes". "There's meaning, depth, richness, in the interval, in the rest, in the silence. The silence is necessary for the notes to be music. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of noise. Our pauses, our solitudes, our quiet respite is necessary for our interruptions to be our lives." Emily says in her podcast. 

The space between the notes is necessary - we need that time of rest and solitude. Time for me. Time for you. And may I offer this suggestion - the space between the notes can be one of peace. Finding peace in the interruptions, knowing that God sees you and holds you in his strong, ever-present hands, is possible and is a comfort. His plan is holy and perfect. 

The road may be long and you and I may be weary, but don't give up. I find this quote to be helpful:
"Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have." - John Piper

"Mostly we need you, lovely embodied you, showing up to your life as it is and not as you wish it to be, able to admit what you need and what you want. You, honest about what you miss and about what you long for. You, celebrating this right now moment. And in all of this you can be sure there is a divine presence, a holy harmony, a welcoming acceptance of the whole colorful mess." - Emily P. Freeman

We are not alone. May we find peace in the interruptions and joy in the space in between. 

PS
- Thankfully I did not have a concussion when I hit my head on the cement. 
- The puppy is potty trained and now happily living in her new home. 
- Here's a link to Emily's podcast: emilypfreeman.com/podcast/267/ 
- or you can read it here: 
​https://emilypfreeman.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/The-Next-Right-Thing-Ep.-267.pdf

Of course, it would snow. . .

Not a soft, pretty snow with flakes gently descending from the heavens.
No, it was during a winter snowstorm that we moved from our home of 22 years out in the country into a smaller house in town. Fortunately, the bulk of our possessions had been moved five days earlier with the help of family and friends. But now, as the snow quickly accumulated on the ground, we frantically packed the last of the boxes into the U-Haul. The trip down our steep, icy driveway would be stressfully packed with prayers, as well, that we make it down safely. This is not how I wanted to say goodbye to this lovely place, to my home where we raised our kids, to the gardens that I planted where I know each plant by name . . .

That morning’s winter storm reflected the chaos going on inside me, overwhelming sadness mixed with a touch of excitement of the unknown that lay ahead, the stress that comes with moving, the late nights of packing, lying awake in early morning hours with endless lists running through my head, and trying to keep it all together with a trust that God will make it all work out – it was an avalanche of emotion that I’ve never experienced before.

After a harrowing 30-minute trip on snow-covered roads to where we would close on the house, I was able to catch my breath. We sat in the office waiting our turn, and I got a text from our daughter who had been at the house with our son packing the U-Haul. It was a video she had taken of the snowscape that surrounded the woods on the property. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Tears welled up yet again – how I will miss those trees – watching them change through the seasons. They were the first thing I saw every morning when I opened my eyes to gaze out uncurtained windows. Fresh spring leaves unfurling, summer green canopies, glorious autumn hues, and graceful bare branches outlined in snow like right now. And I had missed it this morning – blindly consumed with the details of moving. 

It was then that it struck me - even amidst all the chaos going on around and inside of me, there is something beautiful happening that God is orchestrating. It’s his perfect plan for me – I take a deep breath in. His love and presence is constant - I exhale slowly.  It was he who led us here to this place years ago – inhale deeply, and filled it with love, joy, tears – all of them blessings. Exhale. He goes before me once again, leading me – inhale. And I follow, knowing that he will make this move something beautiful, too. Slow exhale.

It’s been almost a week now, and already that emotional day is but a memory. The lessons I’m learning of trusting God, letting go, embracing change, and seeing beauty where you least expect it, those will stay with me as this new chapter unfolds. I miss waking up to the wooded view out my window, but I’m so grateful that I was given that gift for a while. The trees have taught me to carry something with me through every season of life – and that’s joy. There’s a passage in the Bible that says, “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.” – Isaiah 55:12

God is writing a symphony. All of this – the struggles, the joy, the tears, the laughter, He’s weaving it all together into a beautiful symphony that I’m blessed to call my life. And right now, in the beginning of this new movement, I’m being led forth in peace and, like the trees, I will joyfully clap my hands. 

The last of the leaves linger on the trees. The great horned owl coos from the woods nearby, and I hear the train's horn in the distance. The sun rises and fills the sky with lovely colors. I want to capture all these moments along with all the other memories from this special place that I've called home for so long, pack them up, and take them with me. The next few weeks will be the final ones in this house on the hill, and time seems to be flying by way too quickly. To slow it down, I want to savor each moment, and fill the hours more meaningfully.
 
Yes, we've sold our house, and have found a place to land - so grateful for that. As I walk our property, watching each tree and shrub that I've planted release their leaves yet again as part of their annual rhythm, I'm overwhelmed with how connected I've become to this place, this land, these gardens. Such a blessing this has been - growing a family, growing gardens, and growing myself. Gratitude fills my heart, and helps me brave up to see this move as a new adventure with new opportunities and new gardens to grow . . . 

Can you keep a secret? I'm digging up some of these plants and taking them with me. I don't know why, but I feel this is a covert operation. And time is short, so every spare moment of daylight, I'm out there with shovel in hand, hunting for those I can't leave behind. Hellebores, Hostas, Epimediums, peonies . . .  As I dig, I'm careful not to disturb the roots too drastically. It will be awhile before they get tucked into their new home, forming new roots, and growing in new gardens. Kind of like me. 

I'll be honest - I feel like my roots are being ripped out of the earth, but I know God is gently digging so this move will be a positive one. And like my plants, it will take awhile for me to put down new roots and feel at home. But once settled in, it will all be ok. It will all be ok. I need to play that on repeat. Plants, memories, trust, hope, optimism, and gratitude . . . taking them all with me to fill my new home. It's that last one - gratitude, that I'm practicing daily as I pack. Slowing down to recognize the gifts that grace the path of each day, naming each one, and giving thanks for it. It's in this practice that I find peace and contentment - no matter what the circumstance. It's calming. And then it dawns on me - being rooted in him and in his love is what really matters. 

"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. 
They will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. 
It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green." - Jeremiah 17:7-8

I've always loved that passage. Roots have gone down deep here, that's why it hurts so much to leave. But those spiritual roots keep things in perspective and in the end are the most important ones. I'll share one last thing before I sign off - a song. It's one that I find bits of running through my mind lately - one that I find comforting. I hope it will give you comfort as well when you need it. You can listen to it here. 

"Morning by morning, I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season, I watch Him, amazed In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret In serving God only and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me.
                                                            - Sara Groves​

So I started another garden. 
Not just a small one. It runs the entire length of the building. 
As if I don't already have enough to tend to - not sure what I'm thinking. Taking on another project right now is that last thing I should be doing. Maybe it's this waiting in the in-between that's making me restless. I feel a need to create order and beauty when life happens crazy around me. It's not the first time I've done something like this. I find that my response to chaos beyond my control is to attempt to create order. Not that long ago, as the pandemic made everything spin out of control, I found myself organizing the junk drawer, then each cluttered closet in the house. Random, but at least I could control that one small thing. And organizing a drawer helps organize my thoughts. 

As I layout the new bed line and edge it, I wonder what drives me to do this. Maybe it's an underlying hope and a trust that things will get better that spur me on to do something for the future - beyond this in-between moment. Knowing that someone bigger (God) is handling all this is such a relief. But instead of just sitting here waiting for something to happen, it helps to do something positive and hopeful - like designing and planting a garden. Creativity can be therapeutic, so perhaps God will use it as a way through and eventually out of this maze. 

Do you ever feel like you are waiting? Like you are stuck in the in-between? Yesterday I read a post by author Kaitlyn Bouchillon that beautifully captures what it feels like: 

"An ampersand (&) is the sign for 'and', a connection between two things. It goes right in the middle & keeps the story going. So often we try to rush through the messy or mundane middle & turn the page, hurrying to the ending . . . The truth is, most of our days are somewhere in between . . . 

Hope & heartache
Joy & stress
Grief & delight
Anticipation & disappointment
The list could go on & on because we live our days in the tension of the Already & the Not Yet." 

Kaitlyn goes on to say even when we walk through the "and of sickness & healing, of hope & disappointment, of trusting & waiting, doubting & believing, it's messy. And it's good, in its own way, because it's here in the ampersand that . . . God's goodness doesn't waver or run out . . . it's the thread running all the way through, leaving fingerprints on every page of the story." 

It's in the waiting that I'm finding some peace & contentment - most days. I'm learning to trust God without borders, to be grateful for small things, to pray big, and to wait on his timing. He is good, all the time. 

That last one is easy to say, but hard to believe at such times. But it is a truth to cling to: God IS good, all the time. His goodness doesn't waver. How do I know this? Even in this messy middle, blessings abound. And friends, YOU are among those blessings! My heart swells and overflows with gratitude for each of your prayers, kind words, and thoughtful actions. What a comfort to know that we don't walk alone and that He walks with us and ahead of us each step of the way. 

So here's to messy middles . . . 
. . . to community,
. . . to new gardens, 
​. . . to hope, 
. . . to new mornings and new mercies.